Finally! I’m induced to the fact that one of the hardest things to do (ever) is to convince yourself that you are happy even if you’re not, really not! For the countless hours that passed, I have had the quietest times of my life and most were spent blaming myself why some things had to end up the way they were right now. I beg you who happens to read this blog up to this very word for this relatively high-context post but I think this is the only place I can run to right now to speak my heart out, to speak my mind out. I can’t run to all my friends. They all have their lives to live. So right now, when everybody’s bound to sleep, I am writing this nonsense, self-indulgent post hoping that this perturbed feeling would ease up.
I cannot count the bottle of beers I chugged the moment life made me realize of its appalling side. I cannot count the number of sticks I sipped just to make myself busy – that is, lighting, sipping, puffing, and self-talking. I know it sounds odd… and weird but I did all the things I need to do to make myself busy, to bring myself in high spirits, to make myself forget the things that should not bother me. And it’s as much frustrating and disappointing to apprehend, in the end, that the beers and sticks were just total waste of money because after all, they don’t make me feel better.
Maybe this is the price I have to pay for some good fortune that happened to me. I now earn my own money, I passed a North-American qualifying exam, I can now pay my own phone and internet bills, I have new good friends who I can laugh with, and what have you. See? At least that part of me is something I can really be proud of as of the moment.
For now, I can only consider this chapter as a fraction of what I have to experience in my quarter-life crisis year. Or so I believe. Cliché as it may sound but I am charging all these to experience, nothing more, nothing less. I may have faced some harsh realities but I won’t allow any of them to eat me up. I know I will be a better person because I choose to move on and continue trudging. I don’t know what happens next though. I leave it all to my Omnipotent Being.
P.S.: It’s even sadder to consider deleting this site because I think, it all started here. 😦